VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT FOR THE LADIES
With a name like SalsaGang,
it's only natural that I spend most of my time talking about issues that relate
to salsa. Today, I'd like to talk about women, however—and there are a lot of
them who read this site.
Now, obviously, I've never
been a woman—even though I am always mistaken for a woman on the phone. (Could
be my sexy voice.) Regardless, I think that I know a little bit about how women
want to be treated. This column, then, is my Valentine's Day gift to women
everywhere. It's a primer, if you will, on how you men can make the lives of
your girlfriends or wives easier.
First of all, apologize. For
anything. For everything. Chances are, not a minute goes by where you haven't
done something to show that you're an insensitive lout. There! It just happened!
She just asked you to open up a jar of peanut butter, and you just opened up the
jar and gave it to her without remembering that the first time you made love,
some eight years ago, you plopped her on top of a Reese's peanut butter cup that
had been moldering in your back seat for a couple of months. And here you were,
handling a jar of peanut butter, and you forgot to acknowledge your first sacred
union, you unromantic, "oh, boo-hoo, how could you, I thought you
looovvvvveeeed me" slob.
There! You did something
again, and if you don't know what you did, I'm certainly not going to tell you
(followed by a big, Marge Simpson-like "hrummmphhh!").
A good course of action is
to apologize every half-hour or so, just to stay on top of things.
If you do something nice by
accident, don't 'fess up to it by admitting it was an accident—milk that baby!
Women don't realize that "being considerate" isn't part of our
biological make-up. If we do something nice, it's most likely inadvertent. For
instance, I once coughed up a hairball after falling asleep, face down, on an
Angora sweater. Turns out it was my girlfriend's birthday or Christmas or
something. She walked in immediately afterward, saw the hairball, and thought I
had bought her a "cute little dog just like in that 'As Good As It Gets'
movie!" She put a leash on it and, as far as I know, she's still carrying
that thing around with her. Won a couple of dog shows, too, as I remember.
special occasions, a romantic meal at a good restaurant never fails. Now, as far
as picking out a nice restaurant, it's permissible that the menu offer things
like chicken or ribs, but not if they're preceded by the phrase "bucket
'o." And, you may think that you're being a gentleman by carrying her tray,
but it's not going to cover up the fact that you're a cheap bastard who takes
her to "all you can eat" buffets. Furthermore, don't go anyplace where
the waitresses' skirts are so short that every time they bend over to clean a
table, you get the inexplicable urge to order tacos.
|As far as gifts in general, buying
her toolbox isn't romantic, nor is buying her a Play Station. Instead,
get her perfume, flowers, jewelry, or a cuddly, stuffed doll that you
stole from your kid sister. Victoria's Secret products are perfect.
in my experience, are `also big into communication. If they tell you that
they're having problems at work because that b*tch in R and D is taking credit
for all of her ideas and that the snot-nosed kid they just hired out of college
who can barely pick his nose without first reading the user manual makes more
money than she does, asking her "What's to eat?" is not a proper
response. They want you to feel the same indignation and anger that they're
feeling—after which you can ask, "What's to eat?"
Cheating on them is also on
most women's lists of turn-offs. However, if you go down that route and she
catches you, Lady Schick's your "jewel" off while you're sleeping and
then hangs it from the rearview mirror of her Honda Accord, you've got no real
right to complain. After a while, if you behave yourself, she'll let you have it
back for brief periods—but only on special occasions, like the coming of
Haley's comet or the dawn of the next new millennium.
Television is another thing
that women have trouble understanding, and we don't understand why they don't
understand that we love television almost as much as life itself. Mother,
teacher, soul mate—that's what television is. And if we flip through stations
with the remote control so fast that the resulting strobe causes an epileptic
seizure, they're baffled. They fail to comprehend how we can possibly evaluate
the worth of a television program if we're already five stations ahead by the
time the picture reaches our retinas. It's really quite simple: we're looking
for glimpses of naked or semi-naked women. If the image of some hooters doesn't
reach our cerebellum in a nanosecond, we're on to the next 50 stations.
However, we must,
occasionally, slow down and let our partners partake in the television ritual.
COMPROMISE. If, say, you slow down to a leisurely 10-20 stations a minute, our
girlfriends and wives can perhaps see if there's anything on the tube that
appeals to them. And if there is, you can pop in a tape and record it for them
so that they can watch it during one of those brief periods of time when we're
not interested in watching the TV—like, say, when amonsoon is approaching.
Above all, women
occasionally like to hear those three little words that makes everything they
have to put up with seem worthwhile and, unbeknownst to most men, those three
little words are not "IN DA MOOD?"
No, the words, my hermanos,
are "I love you" (I'm speaking to a hypothetical woman—not you,
bonehead). Yes, love, soft as an easy chair, love, fresh like an everrrrgreen...the
kind between a man and a woman, but not, say, between a man and the busboy at
Denny's, or even a man and a sheep. I'm talking about Romantic love, the kind
that songs are written about or the kind that causes you to stare all night at
the ceiling in anguish until either dawn or the garbage men come to rouse you.
So, this Valentine's Day,
take some time out to make that special person in your life feel truly loved.
After that, make sure to turn on the TV, because they're showing "The
Making of the Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Catalog" on the E! channel.
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